serrure: (Bokkesan: Hinomiya: Lost with the living)
use your love like a bullet Яша ([personal profile] serrure) wrote2013-05-27 07:07 pm

let's stop and rewind

Oh wow, ok I didn't mean to go on hiatus for such a long time, admittedly it wasn't so much disconnect as it was that I'm going through that post-undergrad funk (yes still, I don't think it'll really stop until I start grad school). I've been mostly on twitter, since I feel like it's easier to distract myself and if I'm really honest, I'm just about DONE with tumblr as far as everything goes (it's probably super obvious with the way I just stack up my queue and then leave).



It's mostly been a combination of apathy, what-do-I-do-with-myself-now sheer panic, and anger for knowing this is probably please god HOPEFULLY the only year that I'll have off free and I did nothing. The few attempts were met with self-sabotaged failures and honestly I spent most of my year doing nothing but being an honest-to-dicks shut-in. I say shut-in only because I have a low party tolerance and could only hang out going out bar-crawling for so long wow I'm so old.

I suppose, I have to start off saying that I'm seeing a therapist--or was, I'm leaving soon, I'll explain later--so I can see that yes, I've got issues, and yes I've finally gone to work on them. Honestly it's been a long time coming, it's ridiculous but it's taken me forever to even admit it or to see my talking to her about my problems something other than complaining. I'm still uncomfortable talking about what we talking about, both here and rl, but I can say that I'm at the very least trying to make some progress on whatever...this feeling is.

Apparently it's pretty normal?

Some kind of mid-life crisis for people who just graduated and were told as soon as they've got their degree their life is going to begin. It's actually almost expected, especially now since jobs are so hard to come by, unpaid internships are the norm, and the odds are so stacked against us.

I feel guilty--dumb I know, because I know my problems are small potatoes. But I just hate this feeling, of being stuck, of accomplishing nothing, of going to bed at six am, waking up at three pm and just coasting. Unable to write, unable to motivate myself, unable to do anything besides bum around.

I didn't get into any of the Chicago schools, I'm going to my alma mater for grad school again.

It's not a bad school, it's not a GREAT school, but it's ok. I know that I sabotaged myself when I applied, I turned in applications late, I didn't score that high on my GRE because I couldn't even motivate myself to study. I'm so terrified that I'll flunk out of grad school at this rate, that my brain has rotted in all this time I've been lounging in doing fucking nothing.

I had a plan, I had admittedly a pretty extreme plan, a plan to better myself on this year off and I accomplished none of it. I was going to go start working on my body: going to the gym to take boxing classes, go to a therapist to work on my issues, keep up with my Chinese and brush up on my Russian. I was going to get another job, I was going to do this, I was going to do that. I couldn't achieve any of these goals (student loans apparently start collecting if you work 30 hours, my stamina is so bad I'm having to try and get it back on track first, I'm bad at time management). All these excuses and all these reasons that keep me stuck in my apathy and life of vegging out at work and then going home to veg out at the computer.

It's downright terrifying how easy this life is.

I really, really don't like it.

I think that upsets me the most though--which is by far the dumbest thing--is my inability to write. Every single attempt comes out flat, and every attempt to browse fic either leaves me incredibly jaded and bitter or boredom. I can't even make the words come anymore they die off within a few paragraphs.

It's beyond frustrating because no matter how many times I thought I was backed into a corner academically, or whatever funk I've been in I've been able to write, to express myself and the worst blow to me is that I can't. I can't write what I want to, do anything.

I'm happy, but I'm not as happy as I could be. I just I've been letting these feelings of dissatisfaction accumulate and they don't seem to stop.

It doesn't help that I'm being forced on a family vacation to the Philippines that has so far been full of needless family drama and actual disgust at my father's side of the family. At least they had the good fortune of implying that I'm a loser to my face. Apparently graduating on the dean's list meant nothing to them since I refuse to pursue law school. The constant backhanded jibes of how I'm making the biggest mistake of my life not going and what am I even doing now? Why don't I make something of myself, how useless can I possibly be. What's even better is that my father's side has once again decided all my problems are because of my mother. And I've made the unfortunate mistake of borrowing money from them before hand, so now I'm obligated to stay with them for two weeks, which will probably be full of equally passive-aggressive comments about everything I do.

I am honestly not kidding when I've said before I did not want to go, but am being bound by promises by my parents.

It's a good distraction though, and I hope time away can take everything that's off my mind, displeasure is all that's really been sitting in my mouth these past few months. It's increased significantly since last Monday, so I'm at the point I just want to leave.

At this point, I just fucking hope when I get back, I can at least idk somehow reset myself so I can write again, so I can feel something besides apathy again.


But I guess besides all my bitching, there's also been some positives that have happened in my year off though so I can't really complain. I mean [profile] fishandcheese visited during spring break, it was fun and great to see that we could all hang out and be amazing. We just sat around and watched things mostly, ate a lot too, and idk, it's just great to meet up with people offline and find they are absolutely as amazing as you thought they were. I wish I could give a detailed report, but honestly it was just us chilling, mostly with [profile] ochibi_glomper and [profile] kamachiono.

Guys, Fish is so fucking rad and we took purikura together--MULTIPLE ONES--and I can't even begin to describe how cool she is and wow this is going to turn into a love letter of bromantic proportions.

Also got to know a few people a lot better too, psst, [profile] spirograph I'm looking at you. Actually in terms of meeting people, except for a few exceptions, I've met a lot of new great people lately. So I guess another positive.

I've also been able to spend a lot more time with my friends, all in the process of ending school or looking for jobs themselves--it's strange but I know they're all leaving soon, so this year with them has probably been the greatest thing since well, ever. I think I can honestly say, this is the most time I've spent with [profile] kamachiono and [profile] zr841 since high school. Driving around DFW, eating at random Waffle Houses at 5 am and talking about yaoi manga, our lives, what the hell is up with Sweet Pool all serve as great distractions.

Another positive is with all the free time, I've been able to catch up on all the manga/anime I've wanted too, and I finally, finally got to play Dramatical Murder in English thank fuck because interactive text hooker is on it's last leg and none of the translated dialogue makes sense anymore and uh, am pretty on top of all the series I wanted to be.

I've also read so much yaoi at this point, I'm both mystified and almost horrified at the amount, I literally stopped adding them to myanimelist/counting because it was just that SAD. I would go WEEKS reading up on different series, the longest one month because this mangaka had just about all her works translated into English and I just was about that bored so I read like ALL of them.

...I can't actually tell if that's a positive or not.

Anyways, I suppose I should be grateful for a lot of things, I still have a house, I still have a stable family, my father's pleased about his new job so far, my brother and sister are settling out of their crazy stage for the most part, and well, I'm getting used to taking my own problems in stride, I'm getting less reliant on people. Which I suppose is both good and bad, considering who I used to rely on the most and the gradual fallout.

At the very least, my best friends are with me still, and [profile] ochibi_glomper is going with me to the Philippines. If she actually remains my friend after this entire trip, it will be a god damn miracle considering how much of a fucking shit show my father's side is.

I guess the lesson in all of this, I can give myself is, at least now I know what I definitely DON'T WANT and that is something that gives me way to much free time. Honestly I'm my own worst enemy at this rate.

And leaving on a positive note, finally, finally got a Gintama cosplay group together, you don't understand the severity of my words, I've been wanting this for YEARS.

Since before war fandoms and comics, since like freshman year of college.

It's happening, and I can't even deal.

Hopefully I can also get a Shingeki group, though so far the local cosplay scene looks super whack so ahaha who can even tell anymore.